The Thing With the Stuff
by The.max.black
Summary: Legolas Greenleaf finds himself lost in Hogwarts, Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and Dumbledore must help him get back to middle earth. Now with OotP spoilers! HP/GW, RW/HG
1. What Condemned Building?

The Thing With the Stuff  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or affiliated characters, nor do I own the RIGHTS to Legolas (but I won't say I don't own him).  
  
Legolas continued walking, laughing to himself at what Gimli said. But he told himself to pay more attention to his surroundings, he needed to keep watch over Frodo, and he didn't really trust Boromir, he seemed weak.  
  
He blinked, and suddenly- the forest changed, a thing with stuff walked up to him.  
  
"You should leave this place, the edge of the dark forest is no place for a muggle," warned the centaur.  
  
"Muggle?" asked Legolas "What exactly is a muggle?"  
  
"It'd be in your best interests to go back to where you came from!" he was getting annoyed, "See that old condemned building over there? It' s the last place you should be, now go!"  
  
"I see a marvelous castle and a tiny shack, both of which look incredibly strong, and, well, not condemned. Where is this condemned building? Am I missing something? How do I get back to Middle-Earth? What are you!?!?!?!?" Legolas totally interrogated the centaur.  
  
"I am a centaur, and if you see a castle than you must be a wizard, and I cannot help you , but if I were you I would approach the castle with caution and look for a man named Dumbledore."  
  
"I'm an elf not a wizard! Look at the ears!"  
  
"Nonsense, your far too tall, your ears are too small, and about 10,000 other things!"  
  
Just then, Dobby walked by, "See that's an elf, a house elf"  
  
"I don't like you, trying to confuse me with a disfigured hobbit isn't nice, but yes let's all make fun of the poor disoriented elf, it'll be fun!"  
  
It was a saturday afternoon at Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore decided to get a breath of fresh air outside, Legolas spotted him.  
  
"Is that...Gandalf?" He thought.  
  
At the exact same time, half of a couple, walking hand-in-hand lazily, looked up.  
  
"Who's that man?" Hermione asked Ron, "Is that- no couldn't be Legolas, he's not real, that was just a dream, or is this another dream?"  
  
"Hermione, sweetie, I've got 3 questions for you: one, are you feeling all right? two, Who is this Legolas guy? three, are you dreaming about other men?"  
  
"Legolas is a fictional elf in the books about the thing with the stuff. I feel fine, and it was just dream!!!" with that she shoved The Fellowship of the Ring into Ron's stomach, and ran up to Legolas screaming his name. Ron, opened the book, and began to read it, following his girlfriend slowly.  
  
A confused Legolas looked up at the insane female human who seemed to know him.  
  
"Legolas!LEGOLAS!LEGOLAS!!!" shouted Hermione as her arms flailed about. She was usually rather graceful, but running while flagging down fictional elves was not her strong point, and, well, she looked somewhat totally ridiculous.  
  
She caught up to him and held out her hand, "I'm Hermione Granger, and you are Legolas Greenleaf and see that red-haired pinhead over there,that is my boyfriend Ronald Weasley."  
  
"And how exactly do you know my name?" The poor disoriented elf asked.  
  
"You know the books about the thing with the stuff"  
  
"Oh that helps! So, what does that mean?"  
  
Ron finally caught up to them, "Look it's a book! And I'm reading it!! And it's interesting!!!"  
  
Legolas looked at Hermione, then at Ron then back again, and back about 20 times. It boggled his mind how somebody who seemed so smart would like somebody so, well, not! That's the race of man for you. "I was told to find a MR. Dumbledore. Can you help me find him?"  
  
Okay, a whole lot more to come, I know it's bad, if you don't like it, stop reading. Chap 2 will be up soon. 


	2. The Amazing Mister Potter

Chapter 2: The Amazing Mr. Potter  
  
Meanwhile in the library...  
  
Harry was practically falling asleep, the book he was reading was extraordinarily BORING. Nor did it make any sense whatsoever. He could not understand why both Hermione and Professor Snape recommended it, it wasn't about potions. "Oh yeah," he thought "Snape dislikes me, and probably just wanted to confuse me, and Hermoine recommends every book, DUH!"  
  
"Hey!" a voice called at Harry drawing him away from his meaningless thoughts. It was just Ginny, and she was wondering if Harry could help her with her potions homework in exchange for some divination tips (she was the teacher's pet, she didn't believe in what professor Trelawny said, but she was actually good at seeing things before they happened). "Just one question, why are you reading that book?" she inquired.  
  
"I thought I'd get ahead in potions, but his book is totally not helping!"  
  
"What does the book The History of Wizard Photography have to do with potions?"  
  
Harry looked at the book he was holding "Oops! I picked up the wrong book!" Harry said, turning slightly red with embarrassment. Or was it more than that? Harry didn't want to think about it.  
  
The two decided to go back to the Gryffindor common room. On the way they ran into Malfoy and his cronies. "Where are you taking your girlfriend, Potter?" he asked slyly.  
  
"At least I have one. Unlike with you, girls don't run from my sight screaming 'There's a troll in the castle!'" Harry retorted. Malfoy left, unable to think of a comeback. Ginny turned totally bright scarlet. Had Harry just called her his girlfriend? Nah! he wasn't going to bother correcting Malfoy, he would have been too dumb to understand, that was all. The amazing Mr. Potter did not consider Ginny his girlfriend, right?  
  
She was so lost in thought she didn't notice Ron and Hermoine walking by with a strange man she had never seen. Harry did notice them, and stopped them to talk. "Who's that?" Harry pointed at Legolas.  
  
Just having realized that he must be in some later time and place, and that there are books written on his adventures, Legolas was rather confused. He'd heard lot's about who muggles were, why they (and those they raised) were the only ones to have read the books, and who Harry Potter was. "Haven't you ever read the Lord of the Rings Books?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Yes," Harry responded, "I sort of identified with the orphan, Frodo, who was raised by his uncle Bilbo, and had to deal with an evil wizard. why?" He caught himself after realizing he had trailed off, and embarrassed himself for the second time in ten minutes.  
  
"I'm Legolas, the elf, and Prince of Mirkwood," he informed Harry.  
  
A rather confused Mr. Potter nodded, "I'll just pretend I get it and ask Hermione later," he thought.  
  
"Come with us, we're on our way to see Dumbledore about getting him back to Middle-earth," Hermione said. He and Ginny followed along with the three of them. For some reason Harry felt like he was on the way to Oz (If I only had a brain!). Ron had not said a single word, he followed along not paying attention, his face was buried in the book.  
  
"Hey, Legolas, you'll never guess what's gonna happen when you get back home!" Ron said. But Hermoine shut him up before he could give Legolas any actual information.  
  
"It's all right, I don't want to know, I'd rather life come as a surprise, like it's supposed to," He said in a wise sounding voice, he had every right to act wiser than them he's 2,916 years older than them.  
  
They finally got to Dumbledore's office "Ton Tongue Toffees," Hermione said, why Dumbledore chose that for his password she would never figure out.  
  
"Gandalf!" Legolas shouted "Your alive!"  
  
"My dear Legolas, it's Dumbledore here, Albus Dumbledore. I've been able to travel freely between the two worlds and times for the past 150 something years. Unfortunately, elves do not have the same powers. I thought I saw you, and I think I help you get back home."  
  
"You think you can help?" For the fist and last time in his life, Legolas was unhappy with the words "think" and "help", words he often wished he could teach Merry and Pippin, and he disliked them. "Couldn't Gandalf, I mean Dumbledore, just wave his staff,-oh wait, it's a wand here and just send me home?" the elf pondered.  
  
"You must defeat Voldemort's hair," Dumbledore informed. Legolas had heard a lot about Voldemort form Harry and Hermione by now, and pictured an evil, unruly, snakelike man with an even more evil, unrulier and just plain dumb- looking wig.  
  
A look confusion plastered itself to Legolas's face. With his eyebrows scrunched like that (and Orlando Bloom's good looks), Hermione and Ginny would have fainted, had they not already been sitting down. Ron didn't notice his sister's or his girlfriend's expressions due to the fact that his face was still buried in the book. Harry didn't notice either, he had seen the look on Legolas's face then realized the same look had plastered itself to his face as well. He struggled to peel it off "It appears as though I've stolen his look, and girls don't like thieves do they? Ginny has probably gotten over me by now, it's been 48 seconds and I still have the look on my face" Harry thought to himself. He decided to cover his face with his hands to hide the stolen look.  
  
"You know, a hare, like a rabbit, evil rabbits can be rather dangerous, but very powerful, and magical creatures," Dumbledore stated. The look of confusion vanished from the elf's face. He and Dumbledore looked around at the teenagers surrounding them, and both burst out laughing  
  
**************************************************************************** ** Chap 3 will be up soon, I hope, find out how to defeat the evil bunny! 


	3. Plot Holes

Disclaimer: I sadly own none of the characters, places, or incantations in this story. All that stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling, [J.R.R. Tolkien, and company], and Monty Python.  
  
After a few minutes, Dumbledore and Legolas stopped laughing, and the teenagers surrounding them came to their senses, and were once again paying attention. "So what's killing this 'bunny' going to do to get 'ear boy' back?"  
"Well Ron, it's blood is the base of the one potion that will enable Legolas to get back." Dumbledore responded.  
"Plot-hole potions? Oh I always wanted to make one of those!" Hermione informed the room, "But, aren't they dangerous?"  
"Mione, sweety, everything's dangerous with you, isn't it?" Ron asked cautiously.  
"Yes, they can be dangerous, but him staying here is more dangerous," Dumbledore replied, ignoring Ron's comment.  
"So, what's so dangerous about plot holes?" Ginny inquired.  
"You'll learn about them later this year, they're part of the O.W.L. class," Harry told her "They must be the exact right size, if it's too small, he won't be able to fit through. He could even get stuck between worlds, which can be, well, let's just say OUCH! And then, the hole could be too big, sucking aspects of our world into theirs."  
The look on Legolas's face, at this point, was absolutely priceless. the though of getting stuck sounded, well, OUCH! "You said it was more dangerous for me to stay here, but what exactly are these dangers?" Legolas had never chickened out of anything, but if it was between having half of him in one place, and the other half in another, and staying in a foreign land, he'd rather the second option.  
"Well, technically you came here through a plot hole, and if you don't ge back to middle-earth in time, you'll start bringing aspects of your world here. See, look Harry's already shrinking to Frodo's height!" They all looked over at Harry, who had shrunk a bout one-half inch. A look of horror temporarily made a home out of Ginny's face, but was evicted the moment she realized it was there. "He's about 5'8-1/2" now, once he's 3'6" all the changes will be permanent, Harry will be Frodo, Ron will be Sam, Voldemort Sauron, etc."  
"But, what about me? I don't want to change," Legolas whined, much like a four-year-old.  
"Um, you'll remain you."  
"Yay!" Legolas said sounding like a four-year old, again. "Uh-oh, me is getting more imnatumure." (four-year-old for immature).  
"How wonderful, an unexpected side-effect of Legolas being here!" Dumbledore said cheerfully, "He's regressed into the mental state of a four year old!"  
DUM, DUM, DUM! Stuff Dumbledore didn't know. That's impossible!  
Suddenly Harry didn't feel so good, "I haven't had any ale since last Hogsmeade trip!"  
"That was just yesterday, Harry" Ginny reminded him, "And you brought back some extra bottles, they're in your trunk, at the foot of your bed!" she blurted, hoping nobody wold notice that she knew to much, and ask her for her source of information. Luckily it went unnoticed.  
"Oh, yeah,"  
"It's worse than I thought!" Dumbledore said happily, "Your personalities are changing faster than your physical appearances!"  
"I've got to go to the bathroom," Harry stated, a funny look on his face. He had already shrunk a whole inch!  
"You're going nowhere without me!" Ron said. Standing up, it was made apparent that he had already shrunk one inch as well.  
Ginny laughed, "That concludes it; all of my brothers have said the wrong thing at the wrong time at least three times in front of me." Hermione closed and then scrunched her eyes trying hard NOT to picture Ron following Harry into a stall in the bathroom.  
"Let's focus people!" Dumbledore said, in a manner that reminded Legolas somewhat of Peter Jackson. But clearly, his efforts were lost. "Well, it's been almost three whole chapters with no rest, I guess it's time for the commercial break!" the characters all relaxed, Ron and Harry went outside to smoke some hobbit pipe-weed.  
Suddenly the screen ("whoa there's a screen!" all characters but Dumbledore said in unison) went dark, and red bloody letters came on.  
The screen read "Loose weight fast! Keep it off!"  
Then a female, southern (American) voice said, "If that's your goal, y'all need to visit the Texas chain saw weight loss clinic. We guarantee that you'll lose weight and keep it off, or you'll get your whole $49.95 back! Just one quick stop, no more than half an hour, we promise, or your next visit is free!" Ginny and Hermione smiled and contemplated going there, but Dumbledore shook his head.  
The next add went a little more smoothly, "Do you have an evil rabbit problem? Well I know I used to. Evil hares can be pesky, bothersome, and annoying. Plus, they're a danger to small and tall children, alike. Here at Bunny be Gone, we promise a safer evil forest in half-an-our or our next visit's free!" Ginny noted the recurring theme (under a half hour or it's free!). Oh no! Ginny's acting like Arwen, not Harry-obsessed Ginny, "Call 1- 800-NO-EVIL"  
"But that's only six numbers!" Hermione said.  
"No, that's six letters" Dumbledore corrected.  
"That's still not a complete number"  
"Yeah if we gave a complete number, it would be called by the only person dumb enough to take this story seriously,"  
"You mean, that person exists?"  
"Not anymore, they don't"  
The final ad came on, everyone had to go back to their places soon. "Do remember the good, old days? Do you find it sad that you haven't had good drink complete friends and a song since the first age? Then you need to pay a visit to the Green Dragon Pub. Where if you keep your nose out of harm, no harm will come to you."  
As the commercial closed, the Green Dragon scene in the extended version of the first movie played, "... wind may fall, and wind may blow, but there'll still be many miles to go..."  
"Oh no, we have less time then I thought, that was a Lord of the Rings thing!" Dumbledore said, with concern in his voice. He decided that now he'd better explain how they were going to defeat the evil hare, "First, we venture into the forrest, next we search for this rabbit. Then we stun it, but only temporarily, if it's under any spell when killed the potion won't work. Then, we take a pole with a net attached, and scoop the bunny up. It's important that everyone wears their dragon-hide gloves, we don't want another 'Idol Hands' incident." Dumbledore flinched, so did Harry and Hermione, the Weasleys and the elf stayed blissfully ignorant of the awful happenings that created an. entire terrible movie! "Then, we need an arrow, with a goleen tip."  
"Give me the gold, and I've got the arrow!" Legolas exclaimed, a look of excitement spread acroos his face. 


	4. Are We Going Out?

Disclaimer: I do own some stuff, all of it, unfortunately, is material. Therefore, I own no characters or schools or aminals in this story. (Well, I do own the Texas Chain Saw Weight loss Clinic, and 1-800-No-EVIL, but they're all bad ideas, so they don't count.)  
  
A/N: ever notice that evil is live spelled backwards? Ever notice that Neville is No evil without and o, and with an extra "le" at the end? I did! I have too much time on my hands, don't I? there were no OotP spoilers in the last chapter, but there will be in this one!  
  
They had to leave at night, so that no teachers saw and tried to but in on the adventure. Harry and Ginny had to share the invisibility cloak Ginny smiled and turned BRIGHT scarlet when she heard this, but it was sort of a put-off when she realized he had shrunk to just three inches taller than her.  
Both Ron and Hermione were going to put disillusionment charms on each other, and Gandalf, er, Dumbledore and Legolas could run into the forest as is, without anybody worrying. But that hadn't happened yet, it was still about half and hour before they were to set out. Dumbledore was storming Sanpe's office (with permission from Professor Stick-Up-His-Ass himself) for the other potion ingredients. Let's see, gilly weed, powdered moonstone, five drops of butterbeer, and nettles..."  
"Can't you get the butterbeer from somewhere else?" Hermione inquired.  
"Yeah, but it's more fun to steal it from Snape."  
"What motivation do you have, exactly, for wanting to create the plot- hole?" Legolas asked, thanks to a nice potion that Hermione whipped up in four minutes, he was back to his normal state of mind.  
Dumbledore pointed to his robes "The Colors! No stupid grays and whites!" he was wearing blue and purple robes with gold glittery spots. There wasn't a lot of room in the office, and because only Legolas and Dumbledore needed to be there, the teenagers left and sat outside the office, in the hall. Ron and Hermione sat next to each other talking quietly, Harry sat across the hall. Ginny stood for a moment trying to decide where to go, then a though hit her, well, more punched her so hard that she lost her balance, staggered a little, almost fell, and plopped down next to her brother.  
"...I can't wait 'til were in that forest, where nobody'll be able to see us-"  
"Hey Ron!" Ginny said as she approached him. She noticed his embarrassed look and smiled, "Relax, I heard, and saw, much worse when I was possessed by Tom,"  
"I thought you couldn't remember that stuff."  
"Not most of it, but some things just get burned onto your brain," Ginny mumbled quickly, "Anyway, we might want to get to the real issue." Hermione and ron looked at her with surprised expressions running across their faces. "You guys were about to, like, kiss, or make-out, or something," they nodded, not seeing the point, which was just around the corner, or shall I say, across the hall. "What would Harry think," a look of understanding sprang onto Hermione's face, but Ginny continued for Ron, "when he sees you two snogging? You never told him that you'd started going out! He'd be really confused!" She'd had to keep going, enough to add the last part until Ron got it.  
"Oh, you right," Hermione said. She also noticed the look on Ginny's face and knew there had to be more, it took her precisely 2.43 second to get the rest, "But when we tell him, he'll feel left out of the loop."  
"I can deal with that," an evil grin spread itself across Ginny's face, "You guys had better tell him. It's better that he hear it from you than me."  
They all walked up to him. He had been passing the time by talking to his "precious" invisibility cloak, and stroking it. As they approached, he quickly shut up and put the cloak around his neck, to keep it safe. "Fro- Harry," Ron said cautiously. Oh no! he almost called him Frodo! a sign of the Harry Potter apocalypse! (It would be the end of the Harry Potter world) "Hermione and I have something to tell you, you see...the thing is...we're...well...it's kind of like...we're..."  
"GOING OUT!!!" Hermione shouted, she'd gotten tired of waiting, "Sorry for the outburst, I got tired of waiting."  
"Well, FINALLY!" Harry said, a Hagrid-size grin across his face, "It only took you, what? FIVE YEARS to ask her out!"  
"You've liked me since first year?!" asked Hermione, "I thought It was only since fourth year, when I went out with Vikky"  
"Two things: How'd you know I liked you then? And, WHY'D YOU CALL HIM VIKKY?!" He asked his girlfriend.  
"Cause you were totally jealous, you were always mad, and um, force of habit, I guess." Hermione replied innocently. "Anyway, we should get to the important issue. Sorry we didn't tell you sooner, Harry. We didn't want you to fell, well, left out,"  
"Oh," said Harry sounding somewhat deflated, "I never thought of it that way before,"  
"That's all right," Ginny chimed in, "You and I could go out, and then we could all go on double dates, and do things as couples, and nobody will be left out!" Ginny said. She'd known all to well what it felt like to be left out of the adventure. Harry agreed to her plan, not really knowing what he was saying. She'd said it so fast, and her confident tone of voice made it seem like everything was worked out. Plus, Harry thought she was so pretty, that he was hardly listening, it was more like just staring at her blankly. She could have suggested that they feed him to the evil rabbit, he would have nodded along.  
Ron and Hermione went off in private to snog. Ginny talked at Harry about where their first date would be for about ten minutes, then, "It's time to look invisible," Dumbledore told them. Ron and Hermione came out of the abandoned classroom they had been in, disillusionment charms in place. Harry and Ginny got under the "precious" cloak, Harry really had to stop thinking that.  
They had already started toward the exit when an odd shout cam from under the cloak, "Wait, ARE WE GOING OUT?!?!?!?!" Harry said in amazement.  
Ron raised a fist, he wasn't going to let his sister get dumped, not now, not like that. "Well, um yes," Ginny said nervously, "Is there a problem?"  
"And, I didn't have to ask?"  
"Um, do have a problem with it or not?" Ginny inquired, she was almost disappointed that there wasn't (what teenage girl can resist a little extra drama?). Harry really didn't know what to say to this that couldn't backfire. Instead of talking, he decided to kiss her.  
Ron raised his fist again, "What's going on under there?"  
"Children! We have no time for this now!" Legolas said, sounding wise.  
"That's right," Dumbledore said, with a hint of authority in his voice, "You'll have plenty of time to snog once elf-boy gets back home,"  
"Yeah, let's go," said elf-boy, "Hey wait a sec- did you just call me-" but it was too late everyone else was out of the castle, he quickly caught up. They were to stay silent as they walked to the forest, so no suspicion would arise over why people are concealing themselves and heading into the dark forest.  
Harry looked over at the Whomping Willow, it reminded him of Sirius. "Aww, are you crying?" Ginny mocked him.  
"No," he croaked, on the verge of tears,"  
"Then maybe you ought to go lie down, you sound awful!" Hermione told him, she couldn't see his tears, "You've been on every adventure, maybe, it'd be vest if you sat this one out, and let us fill you in on what happened later,"  
Harry was insulted by the comment, HOW DARE Hermione suggest that he not be the center of attention. "I'm fine!" he said, sounding normal, I must see the ring to Mordor. I mean, I must see the evil bunny slain."  
"Right," Ron said, Hermione gave him a weird look, "What? I hadn't said much lately," the invisible glare continued, "If my little sister gets to make fun of Harry why don't I?" Ron said, sounding jealous.  
"'Cause I asked him out, not you, you can make fun of Hermione," Ginny said with a slight laugh.  
There was a moment of silence, then the two girls burst out laughing hysterically, "Like we'd let them laugh at us" they both thought. 


End file.
